Posts Tagged ‘situational listening’
Listening Skills Ground Rules
In last week’s blog post, Tortoise and Hare Listening, I said that having ground rules for listening might increase the likelihood that people would actually pay attention to the expectations and needs of one another during an interaction and experience improved listening skills.
It’s not such a crazy idea. Groups establish ground rules for meetings and workshops to make assumptions explicit. A ground rule gives direction about how someone is expected to behave. For example, a common one is “Do not interrupt.” Ostensibly, that gives members of the group permission to point it out when someone speaks over others. Just having that as a ground rule indicates to the group that interrupting behavior will not be tolerated, and will heighten attention to avoid displaying that unwelcome trait.
That set me to thinking about listening ground rules that might be helpful:
- Identify the purpose– determine with your partner(s) what you’re both listening for and what you want to get out of the interaction
- Obey the listening golden rule: Listen to others as they would have you listen to them—don’t project your desires and biases on others
- Ask permission to take notes and be willing to share what you’ve written
- Give undivided attention—no gadgets, fidgeting, side-conversations
- Make body language invitational instead of armor-like
- Inquire more, advocate less
- Tell others when you’re losing your ability to listen and request a physical break
I posted these at a recent two-hour meeting and asked if we could try them out to see if it was a good idea and how they’d influence the meeting. Everyone agreed to try them, and afterwards we took an extra fifteen minutes for debrief. There were many more responses than expected, but here are the most frequently said ones:
- The list was intimidating at first because we (5 people) wanted to do it “right,” but after a while we got embroiled in the conversation and the list just served as a guide.
- Everyone really liked the listening golden rule—e.g. “Now I see that I get impatient when people don’t listen the way I want them to.”
- Several people said they wanted to ask for a break, but thought they couldn’t.
- Many noticed that there were more people who allowed others to finish a thought than usual.
- The undivided attention rule was hardest to follow and sustain.
What others would you include? How do you think they’ll be received?
Fusion or Integration in Jazz and Listening
Recently, at a family celebration, I spent time talking with Stanley Jordan, an amazing musician and spiritual man. I’ve known Stanley for a long time, but haven’t had a conversation with him in eons.
I was particularly anxious to talk to him about his new album, Friends. It’s lush, straight ahead jazz that includes some of the best musicians around today. Listen to it for yourself—it’s getting a much deserved following.
Stanley’s not much of a chatter-box, so I didn’t want to usurp his time or impose upon his attention, but he offered that he had studied with Ken Wilber, a Boulder-based modern philosopher. I asked why the interest.
In a very tiny and not well-understood nutshell, fusion indicates that separate entities are put together, or fused, until the original entities no longer exist. For example, jazz fusion isn’t a musical style, instead it’s a collection of various musical styles. In medicine, fused backs were once a series of disparate vertebrae, but when fused, become one strong mass.
Integration, on the other hand, also includes various entities, but they retain their integrity. On Wilber’s website it says, humanity lives with the awareness necessary to compassionately integrate the fragmented and partial perspectives of differing pursuits of the good life. I don’t have a medical analogy other than Siamese Twins who might share a body part, but they remain two different people.
Besides being fascinated by what Stanley was saying about his studies with Ken Wilber, and how they influenced his music, I wanted to know how they pertained to listening. So I briefly explained my work to Stanley and asked what he thought the relationship is.
I don’t remember his exact words, but he said a few insightful things that have stuck with me:
- Good listeners are probably integrators. They take in words or sounds, but they allow the words/sounds to hold their own meaning, rather than fusing them into a whole new, and maybe different, meaning. I interpreted that to say that a good listener hears what is said and doesn’t layer on personal assumptions that will change the intention or message. They might add to the information, but they won’t alter it.
- Musicians don’t need to use words to integrate their playing. They play and play together until their instruments blend. Their mirror neurons fire when they are in sync.
- Sometimes a musician is the lead, and sometimes the backup, but whatever the position, s/he’s always cognizant of what everyone else in the group is “saying” (playing) so there’s unified, not conflicting, statements.
How does fusion and integration show up for you?
To read an interview with Stanley, read Downbeat Magazine, February 2012. In it he expounds upon the difference between Fusion and Integration and Friends.
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Listening Feedback Loop
Listening is the ultimate feedback loop. Your ears bring in information, your brain processes it, your body responds, the person who’s talking knows if you’re paying attention, and eventually you do something with what you’ve heard.
There’s room for success or failure at each step of the way. Let’s look at some of the things that might go wrong:
- ears bring in information
- hearing dysfunction
- noise distorts ability to hear
- speaker unclear, too soft, thick accent
- brain processes information
- neural pathways over/under-developed
- attention drifts/listening stops
- brain centers not attuned to presenter(s)
- body responds
- physical problem/low affect
- listener/speaker disassociate
- response inappropriate for what was said
- speaker knows if you’re paying attention
- unfocused facial expressions
- disconnected body language
- mismatched tone-of-voice
- use what you’ve heard
- say/do something other than expected
- incorrect replies to sender
- others cannot grasp response
The beauty of a listening feedback loop is that you can correct it at any stage of the interaction. Some tips to do that:
- Take a hearing test
- Avoid holding an important interaction in noisy places
- Get close to the speaker without being offensive
- Experiment listening to different types of speakers to exercise your brain
- Wear a rubber band on your wrist and snap it when attention wanes
- Ask more questions than give opinions/answers
- Check for understanding
- Pay attention to the non-obvious signals coming your way
Translators, IT Professionals of the Future
Robin Miller, a journalist, posed a thought-provoking question: What skills will IT professionals need in the next decade?
My initial response was to examine task-related skills, but that’s not my field, I’m an executive coach and trainer, so I looked inside my knowledge-base. Two clients immediately came to mind to help form my answer:
Let’s call them Matt and Stephanie. Matt is the CIO of a non-tech company, and Stephanie is a project manager in a hi-tech company.
When Matt and I were setting his objectives for coaching he listed:
- Get senior leaders on board with his recommendations
- Switch employees from old programs to new ones without a lot of hand-holding
Stephanie’s first objective was exactly the same as Matt’s. Her second one was:
- Win support for her projects when there were so many initiatives competing for the same resources
They both talked about the importance of their work, how what they were doing would make everything easier for employees, and the details of their program(s). I asked for a profile of their customers. They said there were various customers, each as having different degrees of technical intelligence, with management possessing the least. Matt even said, “The top two executives basically tell me what they want done and send me on my way. The problem is they have no idea how complex their requests are. Then they ask every day if we’re done.”
Rather than diving into answers, I took a side road and compared their situations with getting healthy. Stephanie was overweight, inactive and high-strung (she talked very fast and her eyes darted during conversations). Matt was skinny, always with a diet soda in hand, and a weekend, athletic warrior (not all weekends though). They both, in their own ways, wanted to be healthy without doing anything to make themselves that way. They didn’t really know much about nutrition, and under-estimated the amount of time and discipline it would take to get to their health goals. I assigned them to talk to a health professional within the week, and note what the person did that was effective.
Matt and Stephanie reported back with a comprehensive list of what the health professional did that was effective. But, what was most impressive is that they both realized they held similar roles in the jobs. Stephanie said, “We’re translators. It’s our job to help people understand technical information and adapt it to fit their needs.
We set about creating a the list of behaviors for IT professionals as Translators:
- Speak in the language of the client, not the techies. Technical language is offputting and separates us from our users. But, we’ve got to know the IT code to be credible with colleagues.
- And related: Watch for the intimidation factor. The world of hi-tech can cause people not in it to feel dumb.
- Senior management holds the key to resources, so they need to know exactly what resources we need, how long and to what end. In other words, what bang will their proverbial buck provide?
- Know our clients’ thinking and listening styles to talk to them in a way that fits with their preferences.
- Inquire more than we advocate. The goal is to consult and educate, not tell or sell.
- Learn how to be an arbitrator who listens to one entity, checks for understanding, and interprets the information for another entity. Continue that process until both sides are on the same page.
- Model patience and respect.
After a lot of effort to heed their own advice, both Matt and Stephanie have become strategic partners with high value in their organizations. Matt’s been invited to join the executive committee, and Stephanie’s project was funded for another year.
Listening at the Airport—Notes from the Field
I’m so inured to air travel that I don’t pay much attention to what’s going on around me. But tonight, in the Minneapolis Airport on my way home from working in NC, I did lift up my head and listened around me.
One man talked on-and-on without pausing, asking a question, or seeming to be in conversation with anyone else. Nearby, a couple sat next to one another, held hands, and made no other connections. When he stood up, she scowled and seemed indignant. He stretched, but didn’t wander as though he knew the limits, beyond which it would not be all right to stray.
Many people were on mobile phones, some talking so loud that anyone who cared to could hear every word of their interactions. I eavesdropped. One woman was helping an offspring work through a homework problem. One woman was gossiping about an errant family member. One man was berating someone over a business decision. One man was talking on the phone and poking his nearby wife’s arm to emphasize a point. And more than one person was talking, typing, and doing yet something else such as filing nails, eating, reading, and putting on makeup, all simultaneously.
I kept on wondering if any one of the people was listening. If so, what were the indications—laughter, raising or lowering of voices, pauses, or even silence? The one couple didn’t even need to say a word to one another to be able to read intent and expectations.
I’d love to ask each of the people I watched if their interactions were satisfactory and if they felt heard. Short of that, I looked for positive or negative signs. But, for the most part, people were blank and went on to whatever was next.
My conclusion is that listening is elusive and hard to describe even though it’s a huge part of our every day.
Cognitive and Listening Fluency
Just what does the adage “In one ear and out the other” mean? Does any listening occur or is the information treated like water flowing down a slide at an amusement park—fast, fun and recycled without adding any benefit or outcome?
Or does it mean the listener is so adept that the information is grasped with little effort? My guess it’s the former, but there is something to be said about being aware and facile.
What is fluency?
Cognitive Fluency means that people prefer things that are easy to think about. For example, companies with easier to remember names tend to outperform those with more obscure ones (thus Listening Impact rather than The Impact of Good Listening for our organization’s name).
Listening Fluency means that people can grasp meaning from one listening habit to another with equal ability. For example, a person can hear as accurately in the mode of an Inner-Personal listener as in the mode of a Problem-Solving listener.
What’s enough fluency and what’s too much?
We can dummy down cognitive fluency to such a degree that there won’t be enough interest to challenge even the laziest of minds. There must be something that sparks attention.
Following are some examples of where cognitive and listening fluency intersect:
- You’re in a meeting and the presentation is full of details, new concepts, and technical words. That’s stretching your cognitive and listening fluency beyond your capacity, so you tune out.
- You need to purchase a new TV and the salesperson tells you the three major features of the set you’re looking at. You can take in the information without a problem and are confident the salesperson can answer any questions you have. Neither your cognitive nor listening fluency is overly challenged, so you stay engaged.
- Your customer, in an industry that you’re familiar with, tells you about her business and their needs. Because you know the industry you have cognitive alignment, but your Extra-Personal listening skills must remain sharp to listen to the particulars of her situation.
How do you know if you’re being fluent? Here are some questions you can ask yourself?
- Am I using simple words that most people will know?
- Do I make no more than three clear points?
- Do I use descriptive language to illustrate my ideas?
- Am I addressing all four (4) listening habits?
What other questions would you suggest that people use to check their cognitive and listening fluency?
Field Note—Reunion
I recently attended my Skidmore College reunion and one of the activities we have come to love is a session with Zelda Jacobson, a classmate and superb psychotherapist. She asks us to reflect on our lives in the present and starts off with a contemplative leading question that always engenders lots of responses.
I usually wear my “Listening” hat, thus I was drawn to observe the dynamics of the fifty six women in the room (Skidmore was still a women’s college when we attended). Let me share some of what I noticed:
- People who had strong voices in college still have a lot to say.
- The quality of the responses highly correlated to the quality of Zelda’s inquiries. That reinforced the need to include question-asking in all my work.
- When people went off track, it seemed that they were listening to themselves rather than to what was being said in the room.
- Most people have learned to take turns so the interactions had continuity with ideas building upon one another (other than the women mentioned in #3).
- We were seated auditorium-style instead of the circle we’ve sat in for previous sessions. No one liked the restrictions, but, when someone spoke, we all turned to face her as best as we could.
- The four listening habits surfaced. The Inner-personal listeners asked questions about personal impact and meaning. The Extra-personal listeners made connections between what someone else said and others in the room or when we were in college. They were also the most emotional of the group. Problem-solving listeners followed up with factual questions. Conceptualizing listeners made sweeping points and often recalled situations that could never be corroborated.
- Cliques were gone. Everyone was so glad to see one another that we were all mostly curious about family, work, years that have passed, aspirations, and concerns. No one shied away from tough subjects, no one held status over another, no one seemed envious.
I saw genuine caring and very sweet listening.
Field Notes: The Bell Ringer
On the excursion boat going from Perth to Rottnest Island I sat next to a bell ringer. She and forty other bell ringer hobbyists are traveling around Australia meeting local bell ringers, seeing the bells and listening to the variety of sounds. For example, the bell tower by the dock in Perth is famous because it has 16 bells making it one of the largest and most complex set-ups in the world.
She’s the first bell ringer I think I’ve ever met and she was fascinating. In her professional life she’s an orchestra manager and not just any orchestra either-London Philharmonic and St Martins of the Fields to name two she’s worked with in her career.
One story she told brought an insight to me about listening.
My companion Ken told her when he thinks about bells, he’s always reminded of Princess Diana’s funeral. The Bell Ringer said she was one of the bell ringers for the funeral. She went on to explain that the assignment was very challenging in two ways: the sound had to be mournful and the bells had to continuously ring. Bells without muffles are loud, clear, reverberating, and usually regarded as joyful. After all, their purpose is to gather people to worship.
So, to make the bells appropriate for a funeral, they wrap the gong to muffle the sound, which causes a much more reserved and ethereal ring.
The bells she’s talking about are all hand controlled and not ones that are mechanical or recorded; consequently, it takes a lot of strength and knowledge about the properties of each bell to make the right sounds. So, imagine being a ringer in Westminster Abbey at such an auspicious occasion with half-muffled bells ringing without pause and in sequence. She said all the ringers’ arms, shoulders and necks were very sore afterwards.
Her story made me think about how our listening habits respond to context. Many people in London hear the Westminster Abbey bells with enough frequency that they fade into the background with other white noise. But when the context changed, mostly everyone in London commented on the sound of the bells during the funeral and said how moving the bells were—haunting and emotional, almost like human sobs.
We as listeners can be extremely influenced by change in the nature and quality of sound. A speaker with a happy tone-of-voice can make us feel positive about what is being said, while a sad tone-of-voice can bring on negative feelings. When the happy-voiced person has a difficult message to share, s/he uses voice to signal the change in mood.
I find myself saying often to coaching clients to practice speaking in the manner they want to be received and perceived. Leaders want people to be engaged with them and it’s just too hard to be a brilliant monotone, so they work on tone, pitch and pace. Do you?
If a bell ringer can control millions of people’s emotions, we can notice how even a small change can influences what we listen and respond to in an interaction.
Re-shaping a Habit
I’m in Australia and driving on the other side of the road. To become a competent driver here requires the same kind of effort as learning to use a different listening habit.
A habit involves our brain, body, psyche/emotions, and behaviors, and to change any habit, we must alter all four factors.
My brain is definitely wired to sitting on the left and driving on the right side of the road. Thank goodness there are helpful signs everywhere: keep left, look right, overtake on the right. My brain has to tell my body to do what the signs say, and quickly to avoid being hit when walking or crashing, especially in a roundabout. I used to pause in a roundabout, which is dangerous because the car could be rear-ended by a driver expecting me to move through.
Although my brain and body were beginning to collaborate, my emotions lagged. I was often frightened and lacked confidence that I could maneuver anywhere, from driving in heavy traffic, on highways, parking and having good responses. I was far from relaxed and my behaviors showed—I sat up tall and stiff in the driver’s seat, griped the wheel tight, never took my eyes off the road for a second, would not allow the radio to be on, and constantly asked my navigator for directions.
This is my third time driving in Australia and New Zealand, so the switch came much faster, as did my confidence and competence. I can say I can drive fluidly on either the left or right hand side.
My driving situation is so similar to shifting listening habits. Some of the listening process is automatic and works under any circumstances. But some requires lots of practice, awareness and patience to become fluid. When people tune out during an interaction, they open themselves to a “crash” because they lose focus. When people interrupt, they shut off the other person(s) and there is a “stall.” When people multi-task, they are distracted and can miss vital “road signs.”
It just might be to our advantage to put ourselves in a different driver’s seat every so often to test our ability to change ingrained habits.
Inattention Barrier: Competing
When the listener is quick to disagree with the person talking, that speaker never feels heard. Instead, he has a sense that the listener would rather argue than learn.
That type of behavior is commonly seen in two-year olds and teens. While annoying, it is developmentally appropriate. Both of those ages are trying to assert and separate themselves from parents and want to be able to say, “I want control of my own life and my opinions matter.”
However, in an interchange between two adults, verbal competition is destructive as we can witness in the following scenario:
Speaker: When interviewing a candidate I always take body language into account.
Competing Listener: Body language is not a science. It falls under pop-psychology and cannot be used to make hiring decisions.
That Competing Listener, wanting to be heard more than he wants to listen, so he searches for anything to disagree with as soon as the interaction begins. No sooner does the speaker make the first point than the Competing Listener begins to spar. The Competing Listener uses strong opinions (couched in knowledge) to disregard anything put forth by the speaker.
What’s the point? This Barrier represents someone who wants control and attention. By competing, the speaker’s voice is silenced.
How to deal with Competing? It’s so challenging to be accepting of these people because they are tiresome and make it unpleasant to try to interact. They make me think of when I had the privilege of working with Monty Roberts, the original horse-whisperer. He’d encourage a Competing horse to run and run until it tired. There seemed to be magical moment when the horse turned to look at Monty to say, “I’m tired and this game isn’t fun anymore. I’ll see if life will be any better for me if I collaborate.”
As soon as the horse stopped competing for individual control, it became possible to learn how to work together. I’d say it’s the same way for Competing Listeners: let them muster all their assertions until they too tire of being a lone combatant, and then begin dialogue.
Sometimes, if you’re the Competing Listener you can acknowledge one point that you agree with. The speaker will definitely feel heard and you will soften what it is you listen for—“What I agree with,” or “The point you made about xyz is supported by some research I’ve conducted” or “You put a new twist on so-and-so and I appreciate that.”
Often the best way to stop coming across as a combatant is to say, “I’ll be playing the devil’s advocate in this interaction. Please don’t take my questions as an affront. I do it to further my learning and for us to do some shared thinking.”