Archive for May, 2011
Supportive Listening
As you well know by now if you’ve been following my posts, I find the term “active listening” to be tedious at best. Don’t worry, I’m not going to list the reasons once again.
But I do think about other terms that we might use. Obviously, Fluent Listening came to mind or I would not have made it the domain name for our soon-to-be published website. Recently, at the International Listening Association (ILA) conference, where I presented Listening in the Workplace, I heard Dr. Graham Brodie talk about Supportive Listening.
He asked us to write the name of someone we think of as both a Supportive and Non-supportive Listener. He must have struck a chord because everyone in the audience wrote feverishly with no apparent need to have the term defined. We knew who fit each category and why.
But the good researcher that Dr Brodie is, he did share some findings with us.
Verbal clues:
- listening is other-person centered
- make the other person feel legitimate
- acknowledge ideas, concerns, questions
Non-verbal clues:
- embody the person—not physically remote
- lean toward the speaker, but not intrusive
- uses eyes to observe
When queried, people correlated being a good listener with being supportive. They were not given an operational definition. Like us at Dr Brodie’s talk, they knew.
So, if good listeners are viewed as supportive, how come more people don’t do it? Dr. Brodie didn’t address that issue. What do you think?
Act Like You’re Listening
Ethel Merman, a well-known and over-the-top performer in the mid-20th century, asked a young chorus member what he was doing staring at her. He replied, “I’m listening to you Miss M.” She gathered up her most indignant self to say, “I don’t listen to you, don’t listen to me.”
Humorous as that might be, listening is crucial for actors.
Here’s what a bad actor does instead of listening:
- Waits for cue and does not interact with other actors. Acting is like a ping-pong match where all players “hit” back and forth to one another. There is not a pause between preparation and execution. If an actor just waits for the signal that it’s time for him to say his lines, the performances will be hollow. It will mean a dropped ball.
Listening is not merely hearing. Listening is reacting. Listening is being affected by what you hear. Listening is active. – Michael Shurtleff
- Memorizes lines without absorbing meaning. It’s really cute to attend an elementary school play to watch the children perform. But would we pay $100 per ticket for such a privilege? Bad actors can recite the lines, but if they don’t listen for what the lines mean and impart that meaning, they are not much more rewarding to watch than those children, and they’re not cute either.
Acting doesn’t have anything to do with listening to the words. We never really listen, in general conversation, to what the other person is saying. We listen to what they mean. And what they mean is often quite apart from the words. When you see a scene between two actors that goes really well you can be sure they’re not just listening to each other — they’re feeling what the other person is trying to get at. Know what I mean? – Jack Lemon
- Imposes self on character instead of listening as the character. That actor is listening to his ego rather than to the role he is playing. It’s a form of narcissism that overshadows the character and what we get is an actor who is the same regardless of the part he plays.
There’s nothing more boring than unintelligent actors, because all they have to talk about is themselves and acting. There have to be other things. – Tim Robbins
The actor has to develop his body. The actor has to work on his voice. But the most important thing the actor has to work on is his mind. – Stella Adler
Then what is good acting? I think it is presenting the playwright’s truth. What about you?
Listening Like a Heat Seeking Missile
A reporter sent an email today asking how listening factors into organizational change. I immediately thought about the following quote of Dr Terry Paulson, a very intelligent contributor to a LinkedIn group I participate in.
Part of the challenge is that even visions have to change and adjust on the move. It would be easier to plan if the target would stand still, but today change is like a heat-seeking missile having to hone in on a plane doing evasive maneuvers. So movement and course-corrections are at a premium.
That’s what we mean by being a Fluent Listener.
Think of the incredible number of listening contexts a working person finds herself in per day. Let’s call her Luba. How is it even slightly possible for Luba to adjust her listening to the person, moment and message?
Each person in Luba’s audiences enters the communication process with expectations. If Luba doesn’t meet those expectations, she’s assigned a “poor listener” label. We know that being considered a “good” listener correlates highly as a predictor of leader effectiveness, promotes productive relationships with followers and influences motivation and job satisfaction (Sandy Kimmel, 2011). In other words, if an executive is not considered a good listener, it is unlikely others will follow by choice.
So how do the Luba’s of the work-world use fluent listening to affect change?
- Listen, not for how to get to the future, but for how we are in it at the time we are listening - do not dwell on the past nor worry about the future.
- Practice having a listening style and delivery that engenders engagement and trust. They are more important than the rhetoric.
- Intense listening can disarm speakers, especially ones who are passionate.
- Use storytelling to demonstrate depth of understanding and to be additive.
- And most important, be a supportive listener. Go where the speaker goes, not where you want the conversation to head—be that heat-seeking missile.
Gertrude Stein said, “A genius is someone who can talk and listen at the same time.” Yet, that’s what’s expected of us in our demanding lives.