Archive for November, 2012
“You Might Think I’m Listening to You, But I’m Not”
Marty was pumped. He made his first sales call to a potential customer and it went really well. The customer signaled real interest during the interaction, and even walked Marty to the door at the conclusion of the meeting.
Marty went back to the office and related all the good news, “I’m pretty sure we’re going to get that account.” Marty’s boss asked for evidence, and Marty said the customer was extremely attentive and forth coming.
Marty called the customer daily to no avail, and after two weeks concluded there would be no sale. Marty went to the boss to talk about what might have happened. The boss said, “You were given the ‘You might think I’m listening, but I’m not,’ treatment.”
“What’s that and how do I handle it?”
The boss told Marty that people will sometimes pretend to listen to get you out the door fast. Those people learned all the tricks to make it seem as though they’re paying attention when, instead, they’re feeding you with what you want to make it seem as though they’re engaged.
Marty pleaded to know some of those tricks:
- Look at the person. It’s a misperception that looking someone in the eye signals engagement, whereas, often it’s just watching a soliloquy.
- Nod in agreement, smile, lean forward. People often want affirmation, so the customer uses body language to make it seem as though the speaker is on track.
- Respond to questions. It’s not unusual to see people working hard to draw in the customer. They barrage the person with questions. To get rid of the interviewer, the customer answers as quickly and superficially as possible.
- Escort the “guest” out the door. When the host is finished and no longer interested, the most efficient way to get rid of the listener is to be polite, be the gracious host, shake hands, and thank the listener for stopping by.
The boss went on to explain that by using those techniques the customer can decide quickly if there’s reason to pursue the conversation, or to get it over with. In Marty’s interaction with the customer he was treated graciously and the entire interaction was fast without taking up much of anyone’s time. Besides, Marty left feeling good.
Marty was most anxious for the antidote:
- Inquire, inquire and inquire some more. Inquiry is different from asking questions; it’s being curious enough to want to know all about the other person, the business, challenges, and direction.
- Follow an inquiry with a clarifying question. Channel the big responses into ever-tightening detailed information that provides insight into the organization.
- Take notes. Ask permission. You might email your notes to the customer afterwards to test for accuracy. That shows interest and extends the conversation.
- Use your body language. Be natural, not calculating, and be in the space the same way as the customer. The idea is to make the customer comfortable with you because your body language is compatible.
What hints do you have for Marty?
Generation Flux and Communication
I think I’ve read every issue of Fast Company since it’s inception and there’s always something of value in their forward thinking pages. In the November 2012 issue (#170) there’s an article, Secrets of the Flux Leader by Robert Safian that reinforces my writing and thinking about fluency in communication (read the full article here).
Safian says (p. 98),
Generation Flux is a term I coined several months ago, in a Fast Company cover story that explained how the dizzying velocity of change in our economy has made chaos the defining feature of modern business.
Generation Flux describes the people who will thrive best in this environment. It is a psychographic, not a demographic—you can be any age and be GenFlux. Their characteristics are clear; an embrace of adaptability and flexibility; an openness to learning from anywhere; decisiveness tempered by the knowledge that business life today can shift radically every three months or so.
He goes on to say that many assumptions previously held in business will no longer work. One of those assumptions is that hierarchies provide desirable stability. “Creation comes not from stasis but from unpredictable movement.” I’ve argued for years that creativity thrives under structure and withers under control, which means the right kind of hierarchy can grease the skids for innovators. Structure that helps the creative know who’s up, down and sideways can provide the resources and support necessary to get ideas executed; whereas control sucks the life out of good ideas and once-creative people.
That’s where communication fluency comes into the picture. The old top-down, “I tell, you listen” model is irrelevant. What is effective is collaborative inquiry. “Here’s the problem, what are your ideas, what do you know, what am I not seeing, how might we look at the situation, who else can provide expertise…” GenFlux communicators have those conversations with peers, reports, bosses, vendors, customers—they’re constantly scanning the horizon for what’s dawning and who in their network to listen to.
Our focus at Listening Impact is for listeners to be able to flex to different people and to different situations. We help people understand what they listen to/for, what they ignore, who they are most likely to listen to, how their body language gives them away, and what types of questions they both ask and respond to. We don’t try to say if someone is a bad or good listener, instead we help them understand how to listen deeply and broadly, to listen with the fluency of someone who can speak all listening languages—no matter where they are, who’s talking, or where expertise lies.
Further in the article (p 102) Safian John Landgraf, president and GM of FX Networks. “You can’t have people siloed in their particular areas of strength. You have to value all styles, because you will never know which type will solve a problem.” That’s being a GenFlux listener.
Communication and the Five Aspects of Being Human
Marriage, at best, is 50% successful as an institution, and many of those 50% are less than satisfied according to conventional wisdom. Why is that? Well, an easy answer is many people get married for the wrong reasons, notably to get out of the house, to be taken care of, to alleviate boredom, because the sex was so good, to leave an abusive experience, etc. Certainly those reasons don’t bode well for the longevity of any marriage, once the bloom is off the rose. Having said that, there is a way in which we can consciously measure the likelihood that any committed relationship will have longevity.
There are five aspects to being human – physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, and sexual. Why do I separate sexual from physical? I’m so glad you asked. Primarily because, in our society sexual is buried in the physical so as to avoid talking about, and exploring it. But that’s another story. According to the shaman with whom I studied, we “resonate” energetically with others in all five of those aspects. And energetically we are either in “cohesion” – energetically compatible, “adhesion” – there’s both friction and attraction, or “repulsion” – the opposite of attraction. It’s pretty easy to measure the physical and the sexual aspects, since they are, well, completely out there. It’s a lot more challenging to measure the other three – emotional, mental, and spiritual. And here’s where the rubber meets the road, so to speak.
To guarantee the possibility for a stable, long term, intimate relationship, we need to be in the same ballpark with these latter three aspects. Regrettably, they almost always take a back seat to the physical and sexual, that initial chemistry that makes sex so good, until it isn’t. So do we have to be in cohesion in all five aspects? Well, that would be ideal. But, no, we don’t. What we do need is the conscious awareness about those aspects that are not in cohesion, and a clear intention to work, together and individually, to improve those behaviors and attitudes that can cause friction.
So, we can be in cohesion mentally and spiritually, in adhesion physically and sexually, and in repulsion emotionally, or any combination. Have you ever thought about your relationships in this way? Doubtful, except as you probably have looked back on a “failed” relationship to see what probably was obvious to your closest friends. This doesn’t mean your relationship can’t succeed. It almost certainly means you need to make a conscious determination as to the kind of relationship – close friendship, casual friendship, friends with benefits, intimate relationship, long term committed relationship.
How does this show up at work? According to Carl Jung, we expect people to be like us; and when they are not, we can attribute negative conscious intent to their behavior. This often leads to judgment and conflict, which has negative consequences amongst team members, and between managers and subordinates. Our differences can result in poor working relationships, which will have a negative impact on morale and the bottom line; or we can choose to view them as opportunities for more effective and efficient teamwork, which will improve our personal and professional lives, as well as the bottom line.
Relationships, no matter the setting, require attention and constant positive nurturing if our humanness is to be at its best.
Charly Heavenrich – The Canyon Guy (Adventure Speaker, Life Coach, Author, Photographer, Grand Canyon Raft Guide).
Mindful Listening and Listening Skills
“Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.” - Jimi Hendrix
I’ve been reminded three times this week about how listening within oneself makes all other listening much better. The first occurrence was in yoga, the second was watching kids play soccer, and the third in an NPR piece on mindfulness.
I’ve been a yoga practitioner for decades and most classes begin and end with silence and breathing. At the start of class we close our eyes, sit and breath for a few minutes to help transition from our busy day to our yoga practice. We end class by gathering up what we’ve done in class to prepare us to re-enter the rest of our day.
I suffer from a “monkey mind” that is chattering away instead of staying present within myself. Instead of listening to my breath and clearing my head, I start to think—there’s an endless number of things to think about too, so I lose the intent and beauty of the final posture.
However, this past week at the end of class, I stretched out, blanket over my reclining body, and my monkey mind was still. The instructor’s voice was soothing, but I heard none of her words. As my breathing deepened I “heard” my organs doing their work, muscles sighing as they relaxed, and circulation system flowing throughout my body. There were no separate parts to Marian; we were one—inside and out.
For the rest of that day, and even for days to come, I heard people in new ways—words were packed with meaning, what wasn’t said came to the fore, and my focus on others was total. I’m grateful for the experience and want so to be able to sustain the relationship between what goes on within me and how I interact with others.
The second incident was when I was in Vail watching an extended family member play soccer. At one point in the game, ten-year-old Max, playing midfield, was under siege. He did a masterful job deflecting the attack. On the sidelines there was lots of cheering, but like many an athlete, he never broke concentration.
After the scoreless game ended, I asked Max what that moment was like for him, and he remembered the scene in slow motion. He replied something like, “I heard my heart pumping and my lungs breathing, then after I kicked the ball away from me, I heard my coach saying I did a great job holding position.” Being in the zone like that isn’t rare for an athlete, but what was enlightening to me was that the coach was at the opposite end of the field, out of earshot, and still Max’s auditory acuity was so heightened he could hear the coach’s words, sensing they were for him.
The third occurrence was when listening to NPR, I heard the college professor guest discussing mindfulness, (can you imagine that at most colleges?). He spoke of an undergraduate class he took and the first assignment was to scrutinize a raisin without actually tasting it. I think he said each student had to identify sixty-four different things about the little dried up grape (there were three in those last four words). That experiment was followed by lecture and even more hands-on experiences, all designed to help students become aware of their inner and outer worlds to be mindful at all times and under all circumstances.
So, when people ask me how to become a master listener, do I suggest they study a raisin, concentrate like a competitive athlete, or take up yoga? Maybe. I do know that the kind of listening people yearn for requires the listener to go deep inside to hear all that’s available and to be 100% present with others.
Following are some questions that might help you inventory your listening mindfulness:
- Are you aware of your “monkey mind” or internal chattering that’s happening when you are in an interaction?
- Do you consciously take a deep breath to focus or re-focus your attention on the speaker(s)?
- Have you created techniques to still your inattention? Do you practice those techniques?
- When you are in an interaction do you endeavor to shut out all distractions?
- Can you slow down the speed with which you react to what’s going on around you?
- Do you take time to understand the speaker, as if s/he’s a raisin to be examined before actually beginning an interaction?
- To what extent do you balance listening from within with all that surrounds you?
- Once you are in a state of mindfulness, how do you sustain it under challenging circumstances?
Let us learn how you practice being a mindful listener, and what effect it has on your interpersonal interactions.