Archive for November, 2011
Building Your Listening Abs
I counsel people to think of listening in the same way as they think of their abs—if you want tight and strong abs, develop a program and work at it with rigor. Looking at photos of models won’t change a thing.
No matter how many books you might read about listening, or even surrounding yourself with superb listeners won’t build your listening abs. Following are some exercises that will develop your listening muscles.
1. Close your eyes and listen to sounds. First, listen to and identify the sounds outside of the room. Second, listen to and identify the sounds inside the room. You should be able to get better and better at differentiating where the sound is coming from and provide some details about what it is.
2. Instead of listening to the sound and rhythm of a song, listen to the lyrics. I’ve noticed I can sing along with songs I grew up with, but have little idea about the words to new songs; yet, my grandkids can sit in the back seat and sing in sync with the radio. When I really focus on the lyrics, I stop hearing conversations, tires on the road, and traffic. That could be dangerous, so work on hearing lyrics in a safer place than the car.
3. Similarly, listen to a news piece on the radio, and pick out the key points. It’s similar to being in school and selecting what to take notes on, or listening intentionally to what’s important. It’s quite a surprising experience when two people listen to the same news story and tell one another what they got out of it. Often there will be differences of opinion and interpretations of the content. That mirrors most interactions, still people will insist they were listening and understand what was said.
To be a well-muscled listener, you have to be able to pick out the same key points as the other person in the interaction. In other words, you have to understand what the other person listens for, as well as what’s important for you. It’s like being able to lift equally heavy weights with each arm. If you only listen for what matters to you, you will never have well-developed listening abs that you need to be agile and strong when making decisions and collaborating with others.
The Golden Rule Doesn’t Apply to Listening
From the time we’re little kids the Golden Rule is recited to us as the model for how to behave:
Do Unto Others as You Would Have Them Do Unto You
I can still recall an elementary school teacher, probably in third or fourth grade, making us write it over and over to practice penmanship (remember when penmanship was a line item on your report card?). I’m not sure I understood what it meant in the grand scheme of things, but I was sure it meant I was supposed to be nice to everyone.
As I became involved in the world of true listening, it dawned on me that The Golden Rule does not describe the best way to listen. In fact, it might be the worst way to listen. When we listen to others through our own filters and habits, we’re not open to how they take in information and what they’re interested in. The Golden Rule for listening might better be:
Listen to Others as They Want
When we look at the four Listening Habits, it’s obvious there’s disparity among them.
Inner-personal listeners want you to focus your messages on what will be personally meaningful to them. They aren’t too interested in what matters to you. They’re trying to learn from you so they can expand their knowledge and experience.
Extra-personal listeners want you to focus your messages on what will be meaningful to others. They’re trying to uncover the relevance of your information for other people or processes.
Problem-solving listeners want you to focus your messages on an issue they care about and include lots of facts and details. They’re trying to gather accurate information to support their decision-making
Conceptualizing listeners want you to focus your messages on possible options and alternatives. They’re trying to generate ideas to develop innovative ideas about the subject at hand.
The Listening Golden Rule requires you to:
- remain silent and observant to determine how others listen
- ask questions that echo the kinds of words and body language the listeners display
- tailor your listening to what matters to others
Be a generous and respectful Golden Rule Listener.
Review of The SOLER Model
I recently received an email from an individual who attended a conference where I spoke asking me if the SOLER model would be good to use with his staff. I answered that I have no idea what that model is, don’t want to be put on the spot of evaluating someone else’s work, and believe any efforts towards better listening is a positive sign.
The emailer wasn’t satisfied, “After I heard you speak at the conference, and after I took Hear! Hear?® [the listening assessment we designed], I think this model is too simplistic. That’s why I want your opinion.”
I agreed to look at the model, without learning the developer’s name lest I might seem swayed one way or the other by a personal connection. Actually, I know only a few people in the International Listening Association (ILA), some neuroscientists, and people whose research I follow; but I wouldn’t want to offend or overly praise someone rather than the work.
Following is the model. It’s straightforward, simple, and somewhat easy to remember (ROLES would be even easier and more connected to the subject):
Square – facing the other person, not facing someone else or talking over your shoulder
Open – open posture, not crossed arms, crossed legs, face hidden in hand
Leaning – leaning slightly forwards, not leaning back or slouching
Eyes – good eye contact, not avoiding the other person’s eye, but not staring without blinking either! In some cultures making eye contact with someone you don’t know may be considered rude; find out about the person’s culture if you don’t know.
Relaxed – natural, not fidgeting, fiddling with objects, or being tensed up (e.g. tight, raised shoulders)
After I saw the model, I asked the emailer about his reservations about it. He said, “From what I know about the four types of listening habits that you present, not all of them would actually follow the model, especially Inner-Personal Listeners. And not all cultures are comfortable engaging in these ways; all, not just eye contact. Am I on the right track?”
I congratulated him on his astute observations and agreed with them. This model, like active listening, works well for Extra-Personal Listeners. They do listen for meaning for and impact on others, so it’s natural for them to use body language to connect with others.
For people with the other three listening habits, the hints in this model won’t resonate. For example, Problem-Solving Listeners rarely use Open. Their posture is much like Rodin’s The Thinker. They often look pained when they listen because they’re concentrating. Telling Problem-Solvers to look more open will most probably change their focus and the opposite of truly listening will occur.
“Thanks, I guess I won’t give this SOLER model to everyone as a blanket set of rules. Will you help me create three more for the other habits?
“You have a good grasp of the habits. How about you take a stab at it, and I’ll comment?”
From now on, we’ll spend more time on Body Language when certifying people to become Listening Impact Practitioners.
Listening Feedback Loop
Listening is the ultimate feedback loop. Your ears bring in information, your brain processes it, your body responds, the person who’s talking knows if you’re paying attention, and eventually you do something with what you’ve heard.
There’s room for success or failure at each step of the way. Let’s look at some of the things that might go wrong:
- ears bring in information
- hearing dysfunction
- noise distorts ability to hear
- speaker unclear, too soft, thick accent
- brain processes information
- neural pathways over/under-developed
- attention drifts/listening stops
- brain centers not attuned to presenter(s)
- body responds
- physical problem/low affect
- listener/speaker disassociate
- response inappropriate for what was said
- speaker knows if you’re paying attention
- unfocused facial expressions
- disconnected body language
- mismatched tone-of-voice
- use what you’ve heard
- say/do something other than expected
- incorrect replies to sender
- others cannot grasp response
The beauty of a listening feedback loop is that you can correct it at any stage of the interaction. Some tips to do that:
- Take a hearing test
- Avoid holding an important interaction in noisy places
- Get close to the speaker without being offensive
- Experiment listening to different types of speakers to exercise your brain
- Wear a rubber band on your wrist and snap it when attention wanes
- Ask more questions than give opinions/answers
- Check for understanding
- Pay attention to the non-obvious signals coming your way