Archive for the ‘Building Listening Strength’ Category
Listening Skills Notes from the Field: Silence during chaos
My last 24 hours was chaotic. The events made me think about how bombarded we are with noise and activity, all demanding our attention. At the same time, I was reading Breakfast with Buddha, a book that touts silent presence.
Thankfully, the lessons from the book’s guru, Volya Rinpoche helped me through the disconcerting events. After two weeks away from home, I was to depart from Newark Airport, only to have my flight to Denver cancelled because of weather. I stood in line with hundreds of travelers in similar circumstances. By the time I got to the airline agent it was clear that every airline was experiencing the same problem. Flights were severely delayed, cancelled or oversold. Triumphantly, the agent found a seat to Chicago with a connection to Denver. Alas, as he was completing it, that flight was cancelled. I stood in front of him, not making a peep while he continued to search and thanked him profusely when he secured seats to Houston Hobby that would arrive around midnight, and on another flight at 6:00 AM to Denver. How expectations lower.
I remained calm in the gate area as I sat and read my book, reflected on the lessons, and waited while the Houston flight was delayed further, then cancelled, then re-instated, and finally departed.
Not everyone had that kind of experience. Airport police were called to handle a confrontation between an airline employee and a passenger. I didn’t look up, ignored the din, and took even more deep breaths.
My quiet calm helped me think through a plan once we landed in Houston. I found a Motel 6, the only place near the airport with a room, slept for almost four hours, was taken by an employee in the shuttle, even though shuttle service didn’t start for another hour, made my flight, and had a lovely cup of tea without any awareness of people talking nearby or even airplane noise.
I am grateful for the opportunity to observe how a change in my behavior made what would ordinarily have been a very stressful situation, into just another trip—one that didn’t harm me and turned out all right. There was so much noise at every turn that I couldn’t control, but when I chose to ride through the situations with as much silence as possible, the noise, confusion and stress abated.
I’m not a guru, yet I invite you to try to remain quiet and within yourself during a situation when you would normally add to the noise.
Listening Skills: Habit versus Style
Someone sent me a Job Aid on listening. The gesture was thoughtful because I like to know what’s going on in the field.
The Job Aid is well designed, has a model of different forms of listening styles and how they should be used. At first blush, I thought it was worth the $1.95 per card. Then I looked closely at the content, and once again bridled at the assumptions about listening as a style that governs how we pay attention. My goal here is not to discredit the Job Aid, but it is to surface the differences between Listening as a Habit and as a Style.
Our research indicates that Listening is a Habit formed in our brain, body and emotions. Our brain develops neuropathways around repeated patterns. For example, for self-preservation we’ve learned to look both ways when crossing the street, nod when we agree, and shrink from people who scare us. Situations trigger us to respond; and it’s the formation of those responses that is defined as a habit or a style.
Psychologists define Habit and Style as:
Habit is any regularly repeated behavior that requires little or no thought and is learned rather than innate. A habit is developed through reinforcement and repetition.
Style has been defined as an individual’s relatively consistent inclinations and preferences across contexts. It is a dynamic and organized set of personal traits and patterns of innate behavior.
The stronger the habit, the more we rely upon it, but the good news is a habit can be changed or modified with intention and practice. Whereas, our style is a distinctive pattern that is an organizing principle that changes very little, regardless of context. For example, an Extrovert may seek less stimuli with age, but probably will not become an Introvert.
The beauty of thinking of listening as a habit instead of as a style is that we can learn techniques to modify habits we overuse, and gain access to ways of listening we under-use. For example, a person who listens mainly for facts and ignores feelings misses a large portion of an interaction. By learning to observe body language and tone-of-voice that person will increase awareness of what lies beneath words and data, and alter a habit.
You’ve heard me say so many times that the Listening Golden Rule is: Listen to Others as They Want to Be Heard. That requires us to identify the listening habits we’ve formed, ask if they serve us well, then revise as needed to become a master listener.
Listening Skills Notes from the Field: Talking Stick, a Tool for Introverts in Meetings
Last week during a coaching session the person wanted to know how to deal better in meetings as an introvert. She said it’s very challenging for her when she is expected to participate and just can’t find a way to jump into the interaction. “By the time I gather my thoughts they’ve moved on and I never said what I was thinking.”
I find that it’s torture for others like her to sit in meetings with either expectant eyes on them or being ignored and overlooked. This particular person functions just fine in interactions with just one or two people, it’s in a group where she’s overwhelmed.
We discussed trying a couple of practical tools to make it easier for her to speak up and discourage others from interrupting so often. One of the tools is a Talking Stick. The beauty of it is that the stick controls speaking and listening and allows for more equal participation among everyone—introverts and extroverts.
At the start of the meeting, the host picks up the stick from the center of the participants, reviews the issue at hand and the agenda. The host turns the stick towards the group and someone else picks it up and begins to talk. As long as the person with the stick is talking, everyone else listens. There are no interruptions.
The entire interaction continues with the speaker holding the stick, and then turning it back to the group for another person to speak. At first it’s awkward and artificial to use because most people are used to grabbing the floor by having the loudest voice, strongest opinion, highest rank. Gradually, the group learns to listen patiently until the talking stick is free to pick up. Turn-taking behavior emerges with time and practice.
Back to the introverted client. She really liked the idea of having the stick slow the pace of the interactions. “People speak so fast and about so many different topics that we don’t get a chance to chase down one idea before jumping to something else. We rarely have substantive conversations, and I think we make a lot of mistakes that way.”
I’ve used many variations from creating a ceremony in which everyone on a team is involved in making an actual Talking Stick, much like Native Americans do, to putting everyone’s work-badge in the center for others to pull out when they want to hear from the owner of the badge. Frankly, I’m not sure how it happens, but when a group uses a Talking Stick, their interactions become more measured and thoughtful, participation is more inclusive, and the output is more intelligent and creative.
Listening Lessons from a String Sextet
Recently, I attended a masterful performance given by six members of the University of Colorado music faculty. I was fortunate to be right in the center of the first row, with no obstructions to block my rapt attention.
During their performance I observed many lessons on listening that we can apply at work, home, school—anywhere that depends upon our ability to perform at our best.
Transferable musical lessons:
Know the score
Musicians: Each musician practiced over and over until they knew every note, sign, and sound. They knew the piece cold so they could concentrate on playing together.
Application for the workplace: When we understand the context, people, expectations and our own knowledge, we can concentrate on what’s being said.
Allow for different voices
Musicians: There were six musicians with a range of experience, techniques and interpretations of the music as well as three different instruments with individual sounds. At various times one of the instruments might be most prominently featured, while the others play to support that stronger voice.
Application for the workplace: There are usually several people in an interchange, each with something to say. Turn-taking is crucial to allow for individuals to share a point-of-view or data that is vital to others. No one person should monopolize an interaction, which will drown out others who might have highly valuable information to add.
Follow different leaders
Musicians: My friend Lina Bahn, first violinist, explained that leadership among musicians in this sextet is interchangeable as there’s no conductor, First violinist’s part is usually more demanding than second violin, but all are equally important. Responsibility is shared by everyone and determined by the music.
Application for the workplace: Sharing the platform is not always easy, especially when we have something we deem important to say. However, understanding that leadership is not a positional right, but an earned platform, allows for the problem or the situation to guide what is said and by whom.
Connect with one another
Musicians: There’s a lot of body language being “spoken” among the members of the sextet. Eyebrows raise, heads nod, bodies sway, and legs move, all actions that encourage fellow-musicians to engage and stay focused. The audience is part of the performance, too. The sextet is energized by applause and appropriate body language (though humming along is not appreciated), so the audience and the performers feed off one another.
Application for the workplace: We learn to read one another’s signals when we’re face-to-face. Emailing will not relay all information that is required to collaborate and make fully understood decisions. Our listening habits are developed in our brain, body and emotions that emerge during interactions. Strive to establish a co-created interaction where it’s a give-and-give (not take) among all communicators.
Acknowledge strengths
Musicians: Because I was watching so closely and at an ideal vantage point, I noticed that when one musician played a particularly demanding passage, a couple of the others smiled slightly or leaned their body and instrument towards their colleague in recognition of work done well. When I asked Lina about that she said acknowledgement of a musical idea is highly valued and greatly appreciated. The musicians can’t miss a beat, so the interaction has to be subtle and brief.
Application for the workplace: Even the smallest recognition makes a difference to people. Listening to someone and saying, “Thanks for making your points in a clear manner” or “I appreciate that you had to learn new software in record time” or even a smile, will probably make that person’s day and will increase the likelihood that behavior will be repeated.
Honor silence
Musicians: A brief period of silence with its own place and quality, is as important as sound. The musicians, briefly at rest, are poised, expectant and ready to resume their “conversation.”
Application for the workplace: Moments of silence give people the chance to think and not feel obligated to fill the space with unnecessary sound. The gift of silence is golden.
Focus on the present
Musicians: More than anything, the success of the sextet comes from their ability to stay focused. But on what—the score, one another, their instruments, the audience, physical comfort? Yes to all, but without losing concentration. They are on alert for what matters, split second by split second.
Application for the workplace: Giving full attention to a single task or person, unequivocally increases the likelihood that the fewer mistakes will be made. When we let go of the myth that we can multi-task and replace it with the knowledge that we can single-task, our listening proficiency will increase.
Whatever the context, consider how you can behave with the same degree of commitment, focus and respect as a sextet whose every performance relies on well-honed listening mastery.
Listening Skills Strategies—Case #4 Tips for Interacting with a Conceptualizing Listener
One of the challenges for Amanda and those who work with her is because of homophily: the notion that people like similar kinds of people and things. Amanda is dissimilar to most of her colleagues, and to Huan, her manager. Nevertheless, Amanda is valued for her ability to innovate, which Huan recognizes is a crucial component of the work of the medical devices team.
Huan wants some practical tips for how to work with Amanda to channel her questions and ideas, but without losing any of her creativity.
- The biggest issue lies within the team and Huan, and not Amanda. They do not understand homophily and how their lack of similarity to Amanda’s style impacts their working relationships. So, the first tip is for the team to learn their individual and group listening profiles and become educated about how listening habits form in their brains, bodies and emotions and dictate the way they interact with others.
- That said there are techniques Huan can use with Amanda. Set listening expectations. If Huan had told Amanda before the team meeting that he needed her to listen as though she was from the FDA, she would most likely have stayed on track. Instead, he proceeded with the ten questions without Amanda knowing her role, which caused her to spin ideas without a framework.
- Limit the number of questions or ideas Amanda can offer. Again, this is a technique to set parameters. The difference is if a Conceptualizing Listener is told that three great ideas are more valuable than ten mediocre ones, s/he will self-limit and listen for what is most important.
- Provide Conceptualizing Listeners with note cards or stickies, and ask them to note their questions and ideas on them. Huan wants Amanda’s questions and ideas; however, he might prefer them after a meeting or discussion when he can reflect on them and not be blindsided or overwhelmed like what happened in the team preparation meeting.
- Don’t always try to rein in Amanda, but hold separate idea-generating meetings when everyone is expected to do what comes naturally for Amanda. It’s important that Amanda has opportunities to shine and for her teammates to stretch their listening and thinking to increase their homophily behaviors to be more like Conceptualizing Listeners.
- Conceptualizing Listeners are often optimistic and happy, two qualities that every organization needs to value.
Listening Skills Strategies—Case #4 The Conceptualizing Listener
Of the four listening styles, I find that Conceptualizing Listeners have the most challenging time getting heard in organizations. They generate ideas while they’re listening, which can make it confusing for others, especially those who are action-oriented and want to get to the point. But, Conceptualizers are often the ones with innovative ideas.
The Case:
Amanda, a research scientist in the medical technology field, has an idea-a-minute. She listens attentively, seemingly only for a short while, then begins to ask a lot of questions and offer ideas. Her boss, Huan, has told her more than once to stay focused and to listen. Actually, Amanda can cite almost everything that others said, and the ideas she offers are frequently innovative. Nevertheless, she can seem inattentive and scattered.
Following is an actual situation that shows Amanda in action. Huan’s team was preparing to meet with people from the FDA about the status of a new medical device. The company was anxious for the meeting to go well to move the product along in the approval process. For the team meeting, Huan, a very precise and careful manager, prepared a list of potential questions the FDA representatives might ask.
At the team prep meeting, Huan started to read the questions, and as he got to the third one, Amanda asked him to give them some more background on how he came up with the questions, what, if any, did the FDA submit, and who did he gather data from to actually answer the questions. Two of Amanda’s teammates said they were sure Huan did his homework, and they didn’t need to have her questions answered.
Huan with less energy than before, continued with his list, and Amanda sat quietly until the tenth and final question was put to the team. Silence reigned until Amanda, sitting forward and with a pondering tone said, “Have we addressed potential side effects for orphan diseases; and in the third question you said 35% of patients were tested, but in the fifth question you cited a different population, was that also 35%? I’m wondering if the FDA will be concerned with how the weight of the product might need to differ for males, females and children? What if we ask the FDA to brainstorm with us to develop a more exhaustive list for review?”
Eyes rolled, jaws tensed, and feet tapped. Amanda’s teammates didn’t want to hear more ideas and questions, they wanted to move forward, meet with the FDA, and respond to FDA questions rather than take more time to address Amanda’s list that would surely slow the process and might never be surfaced by the FDA.
Huan has asked us how to help channel Amanda’s Conceptualizing listening without losing any of her innovative thinking. What 2-3 pieces of advice do you have for him and others who want to know how to interact with Conceptualizing Listeners?
I’ll chime in with my advice on the next post.
Listening Skills Strategies—Case #2 The Extra-Personal Listener
Before we delve into the case study of The Extra-Personal Listener, I want to share something I just learned. It’s a psychological concept known as homophily: the notion that people like similar kinds of people and things. The concept certainly isn’t new, but I wasn’t aware that it’s a recognized term. The idea, which adds to the challenge of listening to people who are dissimilar from us, surely parallels what we talk about in this blog.
The Case:
Manuel is an Extra-Personal Listener and serves on the global marketing team. He wants to know how information, experience, ideas, and decisions apply to others. He asks about relevance, impact, values, relationships, culture, and he wants to talk about those issues—immediately.
People often have mixed reactions about Manuel. Some find his exuberance to be inviting while others are overwhelmed by it. Everyone does agree that he’s not afraid to show his feelings and cares more about people than numbers. Manuel is known throughout the organization as a connector. He pays attention to the needs of customers, peers, direct reports, vendors, and definitely, management, and tries hard to see that their needs are met.
Manuel has been temporarily assigned to a new project headed by a team leader, Iain, a Scot and a stranger to Manuel. Iain thinks you know Manuel well enough to give Iain some tips about how best to interact with Manuel, especially because about half of their interactions will be virtual.
What 2-3 pieces of advice do you have for Iain as he prepares for his time with Manuel? That is, how do you develop homophily between the two?
I’ll chime in with my advice on the next post.
Listening Skills Strategies—Case #1 Tips for Interacting with an Inner-Personal Listener
Rick has only been on the job for a week and most of his time has been spent with his manager to clarify roles and responsibilities. He hasn’t had any individual interactions with staff members, and he’s been in only one department meeting with Marge in which Rick did the talking about his background, work style, expectations, and refinements to departmental goals.
Rick and Marge don’t know one another, and they both want to start off their relationship on the right footing. Following is some advice for Rick as he prepares to talk with Marge about how they will work together effectively.
- Marge will not initiate conversation nor engage in small talk. She is not shy or off-putting, although it might seem that way at first. Mostly, she’ll listen carefully to what you say, will allow your words/thoughts to sink in, and won’t respond unless directly asked.
- To engage Marge, be prepared with a series of questions. You might even send her the questions beforehand so she’ll have time to think them through before you meet.
- When Marge does answer a question, ask a follow-up question that queries her thought process, experience, knowledge, opinion, rather than expect that she might say more beyond her initial answer. Marge will most likely continue her thoughts inside her head, so you’ll have to ask for them to be verbalized.
- Smile and show you’re interested. Marge’s body language is apt to seem removed, but her way of showing attention is to sit upright so there’s no clutter to get in the way of your communication. Don’t be concerned if she doesn’t look you in the eye. Watch for her to look as though she’s bringing your words into her head or even seemingly having an internal conversation—she is.
- Marge will appreciate your making connections to her work: my goals to your goals, departmental challenges and our combined ability to resolve them, our complimentary experience and work styles…
- End with a request to provide you with her thoughts about the meeting along with some suggestions about how to continue on a positive working relationship path.
“Listening Impact Reflections on 2012″
The end of the year often brings with it a request for our thoughts about the year that is waning, and predictions for what’s on the horizon.
This blog is about Listening, and that’s what I choose to reflect on and share with you:
- There’s more and more awareness that listening is a learned skill and art.
- Technology is not the enemy of listening, but it is its challenger.
- The global nature of business expects people to speak and listen with a high degree of mutual understanding, regardless of language or location.
- Neuroscience is providing us with information about the brain that was unknown to us until recently.
- The catchword of listening is flexibility or agility—one size does not fit all and we have to learn how to adapt to the listening styles and needs of others.
- The term “Active Listening” is fortunately fading into the past from whence it came. There is no formula for good listening as suggested in that term.
- Context definitely influences the way we listen and what we listen to/for.
- Other strong influences—life experiences, education, language patterns, family dynamics, introversion/extraversion—in other words, everything.
I’m so delighted that people read the blog posts, that more people ask to be contributors, that more than 500 people have taken Hear! Hear? Your Listening Portfolio®, and that the conversation grows.
What are your Reflections on the state of Listening as well as thoughts about what we’ll see next?
Mindful Listening and Listening Skills
“Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.” - Jimi Hendrix
I’ve been reminded three times this week about how listening within oneself makes all other listening much better. The first occurrence was in yoga, the second was watching kids play soccer, and the third in an NPR piece on mindfulness.
I’ve been a yoga practitioner for decades and most classes begin and end with silence and breathing. At the start of class we close our eyes, sit and breath for a few minutes to help transition from our busy day to our yoga practice. We end class by gathering up what we’ve done in class to prepare us to re-enter the rest of our day.
I suffer from a “monkey mind” that is chattering away instead of staying present within myself. Instead of listening to my breath and clearing my head, I start to think—there’s an endless number of things to think about too, so I lose the intent and beauty of the final posture.
However, this past week at the end of class, I stretched out, blanket over my reclining body, and my monkey mind was still. The instructor’s voice was soothing, but I heard none of her words. As my breathing deepened I “heard” my organs doing their work, muscles sighing as they relaxed, and circulation system flowing throughout my body. There were no separate parts to Marian; we were one—inside and out.
For the rest of that day, and even for days to come, I heard people in new ways—words were packed with meaning, what wasn’t said came to the fore, and my focus on others was total. I’m grateful for the experience and want so to be able to sustain the relationship between what goes on within me and how I interact with others.
The second incident was when I was in Vail watching an extended family member play soccer. At one point in the game, ten-year-old Max, playing midfield, was under siege. He did a masterful job deflecting the attack. On the sidelines there was lots of cheering, but like many an athlete, he never broke concentration.
After the scoreless game ended, I asked Max what that moment was like for him, and he remembered the scene in slow motion. He replied something like, “I heard my heart pumping and my lungs breathing, then after I kicked the ball away from me, I heard my coach saying I did a great job holding position.” Being in the zone like that isn’t rare for an athlete, but what was enlightening to me was that the coach was at the opposite end of the field, out of earshot, and still Max’s auditory acuity was so heightened he could hear the coach’s words, sensing they were for him.
The third occurrence was when listening to NPR, I heard the college professor guest discussing mindfulness, (can you imagine that at most colleges?). He spoke of an undergraduate class he took and the first assignment was to scrutinize a raisin without actually tasting it. I think he said each student had to identify sixty-four different things about the little dried up grape (there were three in those last four words). That experiment was followed by lecture and even more hands-on experiences, all designed to help students become aware of their inner and outer worlds to be mindful at all times and under all circumstances.
So, when people ask me how to become a master listener, do I suggest they study a raisin, concentrate like a competitive athlete, or take up yoga? Maybe. I do know that the kind of listening people yearn for requires the listener to go deep inside to hear all that’s available and to be 100% present with others.
Following are some questions that might help you inventory your listening mindfulness:
- Are you aware of your “monkey mind” or internal chattering that’s happening when you are in an interaction?
- Do you consciously take a deep breath to focus or re-focus your attention on the speaker(s)?
- Have you created techniques to still your inattention? Do you practice those techniques?
- When you are in an interaction do you endeavor to shut out all distractions?
- Can you slow down the speed with which you react to what’s going on around you?
- Do you take time to understand the speaker, as if s/he’s a raisin to be examined before actually beginning an interaction?
- To what extent do you balance listening from within with all that surrounds you?
- Once you are in a state of mindfulness, how do you sustain it under challenging circumstances?
Let us learn how you practice being a mindful listener, and what effect it has on your interpersonal interactions.