Archive for the ‘Understanding Listening’ Category
Breaking News… Listening is in the Wall Street Journal
The International Listening Association is an organization I joined a few years ago whose focus is, as you might guess, effective listening. I had the privilege of presenting at their annual convention in 2011, and have met some very devoted and knowledgeable individuals in this area of study. This article, “Listen Up! Here’s One Convention Where Talk Is Cheap,” posted in the July 5 online Wall Street Journal, highlights the important work they do. Click this link to read it, or go to the Listening Impact Facebook page and follow the link to the article from there.
Listening Skills: Habit versus Style
Someone sent me a Job Aid on listening. The gesture was thoughtful because I like to know what’s going on in the field.
The Job Aid is well designed, has a model of different forms of listening styles and how they should be used. At first blush, I thought it was worth the $1.95 per card. Then I looked closely at the content, and once again bridled at the assumptions about listening as a style that governs how we pay attention. My goal here is not to discredit the Job Aid, but it is to surface the differences between Listening as a Habit and as a Style.
Our research indicates that Listening is a Habit formed in our brain, body and emotions. Our brain develops neuropathways around repeated patterns. For example, for self-preservation we’ve learned to look both ways when crossing the street, nod when we agree, and shrink from people who scare us. Situations trigger us to respond; and it’s the formation of those responses that is defined as a habit or a style.
Psychologists define Habit and Style as:
Habit is any regularly repeated behavior that requires little or no thought and is learned rather than innate. A habit is developed through reinforcement and repetition.
Style has been defined as an individual’s relatively consistent inclinations and preferences across contexts. It is a dynamic and organized set of personal traits and patterns of innate behavior.
The stronger the habit, the more we rely upon it, but the good news is a habit can be changed or modified with intention and practice. Whereas, our style is a distinctive pattern that is an organizing principle that changes very little, regardless of context. For example, an Extrovert may seek less stimuli with age, but probably will not become an Introvert.
The beauty of thinking of listening as a habit instead of as a style is that we can learn techniques to modify habits we overuse, and gain access to ways of listening we under-use. For example, a person who listens mainly for facts and ignores feelings misses a large portion of an interaction. By learning to observe body language and tone-of-voice that person will increase awareness of what lies beneath words and data, and alter a habit.
You’ve heard me say so many times that the Listening Golden Rule is: Listen to Others as They Want to Be Heard. That requires us to identify the listening habits we’ve formed, ask if they serve us well, then revise as needed to become a master listener.
Listening Skills Strategies—Case #4 Tips for Interacting with a Conceptualizing Listener
One of the challenges for Amanda and those who work with her is because of homophily: the notion that people like similar kinds of people and things. Amanda is dissimilar to most of her colleagues, and to Huan, her manager. Nevertheless, Amanda is valued for her ability to innovate, which Huan recognizes is a crucial component of the work of the medical devices team.
Huan wants some practical tips for how to work with Amanda to channel her questions and ideas, but without losing any of her creativity.
- The biggest issue lies within the team and Huan, and not Amanda. They do not understand homophily and how their lack of similarity to Amanda’s style impacts their working relationships. So, the first tip is for the team to learn their individual and group listening profiles and become educated about how listening habits form in their brains, bodies and emotions and dictate the way they interact with others.
- That said there are techniques Huan can use with Amanda. Set listening expectations. If Huan had told Amanda before the team meeting that he needed her to listen as though she was from the FDA, she would most likely have stayed on track. Instead, he proceeded with the ten questions without Amanda knowing her role, which caused her to spin ideas without a framework.
- Limit the number of questions or ideas Amanda can offer. Again, this is a technique to set parameters. The difference is if a Conceptualizing Listener is told that three great ideas are more valuable than ten mediocre ones, s/he will self-limit and listen for what is most important.
- Provide Conceptualizing Listeners with note cards or stickies, and ask them to note their questions and ideas on them. Huan wants Amanda’s questions and ideas; however, he might prefer them after a meeting or discussion when he can reflect on them and not be blindsided or overwhelmed like what happened in the team preparation meeting.
- Don’t always try to rein in Amanda, but hold separate idea-generating meetings when everyone is expected to do what comes naturally for Amanda. It’s important that Amanda has opportunities to shine and for her teammates to stretch their listening and thinking to increase their homophily behaviors to be more like Conceptualizing Listeners.
- Conceptualizing Listeners are often optimistic and happy, two qualities that every organization needs to value.
Listening Skills Strategies—Case #4 The Conceptualizing Listener
Of the four listening styles, I find that Conceptualizing Listeners have the most challenging time getting heard in organizations. They generate ideas while they’re listening, which can make it confusing for others, especially those who are action-oriented and want to get to the point. But, Conceptualizers are often the ones with innovative ideas.
The Case:
Amanda, a research scientist in the medical technology field, has an idea-a-minute. She listens attentively, seemingly only for a short while, then begins to ask a lot of questions and offer ideas. Her boss, Huan, has told her more than once to stay focused and to listen. Actually, Amanda can cite almost everything that others said, and the ideas she offers are frequently innovative. Nevertheless, she can seem inattentive and scattered.
Following is an actual situation that shows Amanda in action. Huan’s team was preparing to meet with people from the FDA about the status of a new medical device. The company was anxious for the meeting to go well to move the product along in the approval process. For the team meeting, Huan, a very precise and careful manager, prepared a list of potential questions the FDA representatives might ask.
At the team prep meeting, Huan started to read the questions, and as he got to the third one, Amanda asked him to give them some more background on how he came up with the questions, what, if any, did the FDA submit, and who did he gather data from to actually answer the questions. Two of Amanda’s teammates said they were sure Huan did his homework, and they didn’t need to have her questions answered.
Huan with less energy than before, continued with his list, and Amanda sat quietly until the tenth and final question was put to the team. Silence reigned until Amanda, sitting forward and with a pondering tone said, “Have we addressed potential side effects for orphan diseases; and in the third question you said 35% of patients were tested, but in the fifth question you cited a different population, was that also 35%? I’m wondering if the FDA will be concerned with how the weight of the product might need to differ for males, females and children? What if we ask the FDA to brainstorm with us to develop a more exhaustive list for review?”
Eyes rolled, jaws tensed, and feet tapped. Amanda’s teammates didn’t want to hear more ideas and questions, they wanted to move forward, meet with the FDA, and respond to FDA questions rather than take more time to address Amanda’s list that would surely slow the process and might never be surfaced by the FDA.
Huan has asked us how to help channel Amanda’s Conceptualizing listening without losing any of her innovative thinking. What 2-3 pieces of advice do you have for him and others who want to know how to interact with Conceptualizing Listeners?
I’ll chime in with my advice on the next post.
Listening Skills Strategies—Case #3 Tips for Interacting with a Problem-Solving Listener
Brad will probably fare fine in his new group because of homophily: the notion that people like similar kinds of people and things. He’s an IT person who will be surrounded by others like him. The fact that he presses for details and data will be familiar and appreciated, so he will know how to listen to his colleagues and they will know how to listen to him.
But, the head of HR calls Marge for advice because she can already tell it will be challenging to get Brad to listen to her. “He’s no different from the other IT folks, and he’s a right fit for us, but since he speaks so highly of you, I’d be most grateful for any advice you can give me.” As an Inner-Personal Listener Marge asks for a day to put her thoughts together. Finally, the next day she sends these tips:
- Brad cares most about getting something right. He doesn’t need to be right; as a matter of fact, he’s very good at dispassionately examining an issue, but he does need to get to a right answer. So, tell him what you are following in his line of thinking, ask him how he got there, and be very open in your line of questioning—no drilling allowed. And above all, come prepared with facts or he’ll ignore you.
- Speaking of ignoring you. I learned that when Brad’s paying attention he’ll take a posture like Rodin’s The Thinker. But, when he stops listening, he physically cuts away, maybe by writing, looking at something/someone else, rifling through papers. He rarely looks people in the eye, even when he’s paying attention. He does signal attention by nodding or pointing his finger in agreement.
- Stay away from feelings. Brad will sacrifice a worthwhile discussion if it gets too personal or emotional. He once told me that feelings are better left at home.
- It’s also possible that Brad will either linger too long on his search for the perfect amount of data, thus creating analysis paralysis, or he’ll take precipitive action in his desire to move on. Either way, he can be impatient. So, I learned early on to set the stage for our interactions by asking him what he wants, why, and what I could do to satisfy his needs. Then, during our interaction, I’d ask if he was getting what he wanted.
- Most of all, I’d say you’ll never go wrong offering him coffee, he drinks a lot of it throughout the day, with a heaping plateful of data and facts.
Listening Skills Strategies—Case #3 The Problem-Solving Listener
When I’m asked how listening styles are like MBTI descriptors, I say that listening is a brain function for the most part, with psychology thrown in, and MBTI is a personality type, so they really aren’t alike because they measure different aspects of a person. That said, I do notice that ISTJ’s are often also Problem-Solving Listeners. Pressed, I could find a correlation, but I’m not a university researcher and don’t want to go down that road.
If you have thoughts about the similarities, do share them with us.
The Case:
Brad was once in Marge’s (first case and an Inner-Personal Listener) department and he really enjoyed working with her. Brad was a contract employee and lost his job when the contract ended. Marge tried to keep him, to no avail, but she did help him get a full time IT job with a vendor.
In an unusual move, Brad asked Marge to lunch, not to thank her, but for a different reason. He wants her to help him understand himself better so he can have as good a relationship with his new colleagues as he did with Marge. At first she was reluctant, but then Marge thought it might be good training for her to be more forthcoming, and she does like Brad.
Marge describes Brad as detailed, fact-driven, precise, and impersonal when he listens. She says, “Sometimes I wondered if there would ever be enough data to satisfy your desire to get something just right. You could be exasperating, but rarely misinformed or wrong.” Characteristically, he asks her to cite examples and sits back, head in hand, to listen to as many as she can provide. Brad doesn’t react or defend; he listens to her words as information, not words about his character.
At the end of their lunch Brad thanks Marge and asks her to give him advice about what to tell his new colleagues about how best to interact with him.
What 2-3 pieces of advice do you have for Brad as he prepares others to interact with him?
I’ll chime in with my advice on the next post.
Listening Skills Strategies—Case #2 The Extra-Personal Listener
Before we delve into the case study of The Extra-Personal Listener, I want to share something I just learned. It’s a psychological concept known as homophily: the notion that people like similar kinds of people and things. The concept certainly isn’t new, but I wasn’t aware that it’s a recognized term. The idea, which adds to the challenge of listening to people who are dissimilar from us, surely parallels what we talk about in this blog.
The Case:
Manuel is an Extra-Personal Listener and serves on the global marketing team. He wants to know how information, experience, ideas, and decisions apply to others. He asks about relevance, impact, values, relationships, culture, and he wants to talk about those issues—immediately.
People often have mixed reactions about Manuel. Some find his exuberance to be inviting while others are overwhelmed by it. Everyone does agree that he’s not afraid to show his feelings and cares more about people than numbers. Manuel is known throughout the organization as a connector. He pays attention to the needs of customers, peers, direct reports, vendors, and definitely, management, and tries hard to see that their needs are met.
Manuel has been temporarily assigned to a new project headed by a team leader, Iain, a Scot and a stranger to Manuel. Iain thinks you know Manuel well enough to give Iain some tips about how best to interact with Manuel, especially because about half of their interactions will be virtual.
What 2-3 pieces of advice do you have for Iain as he prepares for his time with Manuel? That is, how do you develop homophily between the two?
I’ll chime in with my advice on the next post.
Listening to Ramblers: Expanding Your Listening Skills
Do you ever dread it when The Rambler comes in and says, “Do you have a minute?” knowing full well that there is no such thing as a minute-long interaction with that person?
What to do?
- Reach for the phone and say, “Sorry, I’m just about to get on a call.”
- Sit down, sigh and say, “Sure, but only a minute.”
- Faint
- Face the person, square your body, hold up your watch and say in an uninviting tone, “What is it?”
The Rambler might be a listening time-sink, but s/he might also be full of nuggets waiting to be mined. The challenge is how to get them to the surface in the least amount of time, but without losing their value or demotivating the speaker.
Who is The Rambler? They are often creative thinkers who formulate ideas easily and fast, and one idea begets another. It’s difficult for them to stay focused, and as difficult for the listener to follow along. The Rambler might also lack confidence and thus, offers up options rather than asserting one or two. Another possibility is s/he wants to please the listener and does so by reading the listener to determine what s/he responds to and continuously builds upon the positive reinforcement.
If you as the listener understand The Rambler, then it’s easier to find ways to mitigate against the habit (like most aspects of communication, it is a habit that can be changed).
I can use myself as a rambling example. John Humphrey, one of the founders of The Forum Corporation was a wonderful habit-changer for me. After a few times of going to him with ideas, ideas, ideas, he gently (very important) said something like, “Marian, I so value your creativity and wealth of ideas. I need you to help me identify those that are most likely to do what we need. I don’t have the time or willingness to hear you think out loud. Next time, please come to me with three clear ideas.”
That was many decades ago, and one of life’s grand lessons. I learned to put ideas on paper, schedule brainstorming sessions, establish criteria, ask questions about the real problem, and probably many more—all from that one interaction with someone I respected and trusted.
How do you channel the energy of The Rambler to mine the essence of what’s being presented?
Is Listening a Sixth Sense? Defining Your Listening Skills
Have you ever gone into a room in which there were a lot of people, many talking at once, and you home in on one person or one conversation ignoring all the rest? Or have you ever found yourself communicating with someone at such a deep level that you seem to have some sort of otherworldly connection? Or have you ever felt someone looking at you trying to make a connection?
I’ve experienced both and often wondered how that happens. While I was in the waiting room of my massage therapist, I picked up the latest issue of Psychology Today (July/August, 20012). The feature article was “Sixth Sense.” On the first page (p 52) the author said that visceral change may give the impression of a transfer of energy. That finding would coincide with the situations outlined above.
The author goes on to say that when you bend/lean/turn towards the other person your movement draws that person’s attention, thus confirming your suspicion that you and the other person have some sort of psychic connection.
In the first scenario above, the person who draws me in may have a loud voice, unusual speech pattern, engaging gestures, intriguing accent, reminiscent phrasing, or is talking about something I’m interested in. Something stimulated my Reticular Activation System (RAT) that caused me to isolate other conversation and focus attention to one interaction, even though I might not have had any awareness that was happening.
When we’ve administered Hear! Hear? Your Listening Portfolio to a group, I watch people as they enter a room, self-select work groups, choose a seat, and chat informally. It doesn’t take long for people to sort into listening styles. People migrate to others like them. It’s so much easier to converse with someone who listens for the same things as you do and who asks the very questions that are on your tongue than to try to talk to someone with whom you don’t jive.
That’s not a sixth sense, it’s a well developed habit honed in our brains, bodies and emotions that guide us towards who/what’s most comfortable to listen to. So, in the second scenario, it’s much more likely that two simpatico listeners will have deep conversations than two people who hear very different things from one another. Listening opposites usually don’t attract.
Listening isn’t woo-woo, it’s a conscious, hard won skill.
Five Dysfunctions of a Team and Listening Skills, Part 1
Patrick Lencioni wrote the brilliant book, Five Dysfunctions of a Team, that is used widely to help teams diagnose their ailments, as well as how to get them team-healthy.
At the core of many of the dysfunctions, is the lack of listening – a set of habits formed in the brain, body and emotions that we come to rely on at such a subconscious level that we aren’t aware of what we listen to/for and what we ignore.
In this week’s blog post we’ll look at the first three of Lencioni’s five dysfunctions to analyze the role of listening in each.
Absence of Trust: Invulnerability
Trust is most often an emotional issue that shows up as an unwillingness to be anything but “me-centered.” If I open up and listen to what you have to say, then I might show myself up as wrong, uninformed, not-on-top, inept, unclear, penetrable, etc.
A familiar example of this is when two people are driving and one is tasked to be the driver and the other to be the navigator. The navigator does not use a GPS but has lots of maps, some outdated, to rely upon. On the way to the destination, the navigator consults the maps and directs the driver to exit the highway. They exit and travel for a while when the driver asks if they are going in the right direction and if they should stop to verify. It’s at this juncture that the dysfunction might rear its fearful head. The navigator can show vulnerability by admitting confusion, error, or need of help; or show unwillingness to veer from the need to be right.
The metaphorical driver in this scenario is so emotionally attached to being right that there’s little interest in listening to what the other person might have to offer. As Lencioni points out, this person won’t ask for or give help, and sets up barriers that erode any trust that was initially available.
Fear of Conflict: Artificial Harmony
Have you ever looked into the windows of a meeting in progress and watched all the heads bobbing like toys displayed in cars? That’s a sure sign that nothing is moving the team forward in their thinking, nor are they willing to engage in healthy debate.
It’s a real challenge to get a conflict-averse team to address the dysfunction because they say things like, “You’re trying to make us argue and we see no need for that.” or, “There’s precious little agreement around here, so you should be glad we get along so well.” or, the worst, “We make decisions quickly, what you’re proposing will take too much time.” The strange part is that most of the team members know they make tepid decisions, lack energetic discussion, and don’t use team intelligence, but somewhere in their DNA they’ve learned to fear conflict.
One of the types of five types of conflict surfaced in the Thomas-Kilmann model (TKI) is avoidance, which in listening terms, indicates all listening is superficial because none of the parties will actually engage one another. Eventually, when there’s artificial harmony, decisions get made outside the team room, or people get so bored they find reasons not to attend meetings.
Fail to Commit: Ambiguity
It drives me crazy to watch a team revisit the same points, facts, and ideas over and over. Not only do they waste time and resources, they also discuss what they agree on ad infinitum until it gradually erodes confidence in any decision.
When someone suggests an action in a healthy team, inquiry follows. Team members demonstrate they are listening to one another by asking thought-provoking, supportive questions such as: “What’s behind your suggestion? How did you arrive at this conclusion? How might we proceed from here? What will it take to commit to this course of action?” In other words, there’s intent to make a decision, but a well-informed one and that requires posing probing questions and curious listening.
Sometimes I will list all the points under discussion, ask everyone to go around and state their opinions on the points, for three minutes, then identify those points that are in agreement. We put a large green check by those and a red question mark by those still to be considered. It’s amazing how doing that changes the tenor of the discussion. BTW, I’ve also suggested the team fine members $1 per slip up when they fall back to bringing up an already agreed upon point. You probably wouldn’t be surprised by the value of the ante when the meeting is ended and decisions have been made. The money collected goes to charity.
Next week we’ll look at the last two team dysfunctions, Avoid Accountability: Low standards and Inattention to Results: Status and Ego. We’ll look forward to your feedback and comments!