Listening Impact

A person on a Linked In discussion I participate in stated that it’s necessary to be empathetic to be a good listener.  The author went on to explain that no one will share information or ideas if the listener doesn’t display empathy.

I thought about that assumption a lot and just wasn’t convinced I’d agree. Then I went back to my research that led me to develop Hear! Hear? Your Listening Portfolio®.

The first piece of research that I returned to was from Chris Argyris and Donald Schon:

The words we use to convey what we do or what we would like others to think we do, can then be called espoused theory.

When someone is asked how he would behave under certain circumstances, the answer he usually gives is his espoused theory of action for that situation. This is the theory of action to which he gives allegiance, and which, upon request, he communicates to others. However, the theory that actually governs his actions is this theory-in-use, or what he does. (Argyris and Schön 1974: 6-7).

Their writing made me wonder if the Linked In person is himself an empathetic listener who both theorizes and models the behaviors that lead him to be regarded as a successful listener.  In other words, if we observed his listening, would he “walk his empathetic talk?”

Next I went to an interview with Srini Pillay from the Neuroimaging Center at McLean Hospital. I’m only excerpting a little of what he said:

We know from brain imaging that the amygdala is stimulated when we are under stress – and a stimulated amygdala interrupts the functioning of the higher order regions of the brain (those involved in clear decision making).  So, it’s an easy leap to say that you will make better decisions if you can quiet the amygdala (reduce the stress).  Of course, stress cannot be just wiped away, but there are things that you can do to stabilize the amygdala – things like reframing the issue or refocusing attention on another element of the issue or decision.  Anxiety is a very powerful emotion – even if you can’t see it, it is influencing the way you behave.

Dr. Pillay led me to think that not all amygdalae would be stabilized by empathy. As a matter of fact, being empathetic will only raise the stress of problem-solver or conceptualizing listeners (as described in my work). Only clarity, facts, data, and details will provide the problem-solvers with what they crave to settle their nerves. And conceptualizing listeners want space to generate ideas. To them empathy means freedom to think and interact without boundaries.

So we must be careful to acknowledge the needs of others and not lay our assumptions or projections upon them. One person’s empathy is another person’s nettle.

However, I did say in the Linked In discussion that no listener would fault by being respectful.