Listening with the Third Ear: Honing Your Listening Skills
When I’m sent similar information about listening and listening skills within a short span of time, I take note. These two recently received pieces are worth thinking about and sharing:
The “third ear,” a concept introduced by psychoanalyst Theodor Reik, refers to the practice of listening for the deeper layers of meaning in order to glean what has not been said outright. It means perceiving the emotional underpinnings conveyed when someone is speaking to you. (The Third Ear: A Powerful Tool to Becoming a Better Listener by Bruna Martinuzzi in Open Forum, August 12, 2013.)
and
“The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn’t being said.” – Peter Drucker
It’s easier for some listeners to grasp emotional nuances than it is for others. Some folks just aren’t tuned into “the deeper layers of meaning,” even though they’re aware it’s a valuable skill.
Following are three tips to heed if/when you sense an emotional elephant in the room, but don’t know how to approach it:
Watch for physical changes in the other person. For example, someone might get red around the neck or ears, shuffle papers, look away, or alter body positioning. If there’s a marked change in body language, tone-of-voice or eye contact, let that be a signal that something may be up.
Ask questions rather than allowing the other person(s) to leave without getting to the real issue. Often, inadequate listeners don’t know what to do with underlying emotions, so they gloss over them. Have some questions to use in such circumstances. Don’t try to think of them on the spot if that’s not natural. For example, “What else might you want me to think about that you haven’t yet mentioned?” or “How has this conversation met your needs/wants?” or even, “You look as though you’re not quite finished. Am I reading that correctly? What’s left?”
Stay with the interaction until the person has left the room/area. If you turn your back or return to other work, you will end the interaction. Sometimes, the other person(s) has more to say—switching feet, standing but not walking, looking back, rifling papers, etc.—all indications there’s still more to address. Allow the other person to exit and you might even accompany the person to the door—such gestures indicate you care, want to share power, and are open for continued dialogue.
How do you listen with your third ear?
